While some people have been getting all hot and bothered over some election I keep hearing about, the rest of us have our minds set on higher priorities, such as videogames. Winter is fast approaching, and with it comes the onslaught of games we have all been waiting for. The sequels to Gears of War, Fable, Fallout, and Call of Duty are all poised for their attack upon our wallets. However, along with them come controversies, such as the mental degradation associated with massive and extensive amounts of glorious violence.

The fact is that entertainment affects us, and it can affect us in surprising ways, but that doesn’t mean it is bad. With this in mind, I would like to provide myself as a case study for the success of videogame violence upon the psyche.

Sometimes I ask myself where I would be without videogames in my life. After all, how would I even be able to write a column for a newspaper had I never played Paperboy? Would I even know what a newspaper is? Verily I tell you, I would not. Everything I know about animals I learned from Sonic the Hedgehog, and although the vet questioned why I would paint a hedgehog blue and throw it through a gold ring, I learned a very important lesson in the process. I have even received training for situations I haven’t even encountered yet, such as a zombie uprising. We all know it’s going to happen sometime, and I just thank heaven Resident Evil prepared me for when that time comes.

My knowledge of philosophy and literature are deeply rooted within my lessons from playing Max Payne. I remember many past winters I spent with Max, diving in slow motion with my dual barrettas, while outside the window snow fell like confetti at the devil’s parade. I don’t know about angels, but it’s fear that gives men wings.

Look at me today. I’m an incredibly successful, attractive, and brilliant part-time intern/ embroiderer. I’ve been raking in $15 a week for articles like this, which I immediately invest in the stock market. And although I haven’t checked those stocks in the past few weeks, I’m certain they have quadrupled in value. I have also been told I am gentleman and a patriot.

No, I don’t fear the effects of violent videogames upon society. In fact, I welcome it. While some may question the artistic and moral integrity of ruthlessly desecrating the body of an alien by means of that gun with a built-in chainsaw from Gears of War, I say they better allow you to carry two of those guns at once so you can go dual chainsaw gunning on those suckers. I’ve heard the girlish shrieks of those who protested until they censored the parts in Manhunt 2 where you could attack the groin of a villain with a wrench, and to them I say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this was America!”

The only tragedy I see here is what I can’t see enough of. With so many advances in modern technology, it’s a wonder that violence in videogames isn’t more violent than it already is. With violence being so limited by the media, games have been reduced to “realism,” and to be honest, I don’t really want to know how it would look if I actually chain-sawed an alien in the face. In the end, I think games are a better place when my foes explode in rainbows rather than curl up in agony.