I have always been a perfectionist. When I received a “3” on an assignment I ask why I didn’t get a “4.” I always followed the rules, even if it meant getting made fun of. I worked hard, sacrificed time with friends and stayed up late so I could turn in what I deemed my “best effort.” Falling short of my own standards often resulted in breakdowns and it took awhile to recover every time I let someone else down. When I failed, I fixated on everything I did wrong.

AN ALLUSIVE PURSUIT 

I labored for perfection because I wanted to please people and because I wanted to please God. Oftentimes, when people asked me about my relationship with God I would list all the ways I felt I was failing and conclude with, “Aside from that it’s going well.” Whether I knew it or not, I believed perfection was achievable and God would be pleased if only I could achieve it. But if perfection was attainable then it was also terribly evasive.

My thinking went something like this: “Maybe if you just work a little bit harder, just find a better step-by-step process or the secret key to success, then maybe this time you will arrive. And if you arrive then the life you’ve always wanted will be yours for the taking. You will finally be satisfied.”

The lifelong pursuit of an ever-allusive goal left me incredibly disheartened and exhausted. Disappointment bred hopelessness and I could feel the weight of it. This made the discovery of a few simple truths feel like cool rain on parched soil. The deception of perfectionism began to expose itself to me when I realized I would never be “good enough.” No matter how much I accomplished, no matter how well I followed the rules, it would never be enough. No amount of missions trips or helping the poor could even get me around this one. Trust me, I tried.

FREEDOM IN CHRIST

The second thing that became evident was that the life which I believed was on the other side of attaining perfection had actually already been made available to me by Jesus. The life I sought was not something I could attain by my own efforts; it was God himself. All those years I had been working to earn what he gives for free — his very self. It is profoundly liberating when you discover that the life you have always wanted is finally yours for the taking, and that the offer stands despite your failed attempts at earning it.

I suppose it wouldn’t make much sense to conclude with a to-do list. I only hope that the grace of God sinks deep into our hearts and is shared generously with those who chase a perfection which can never be attained.