I have lived most of my life with the delusion that my relationships will be healthier if they are void of conflict. This delusion leads me to do just about anything to avoid confrontating a friend. However, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that healthy and thriving relationships require conflict. I’m not saying we should try to create conflict or that we should approach every conversation with a confrontational posture. I’m just saying that relationships, if they are to be as deep and as rich as we desire them to be, must include instances of confrontation. Maybe that’s not much of a shocker to you, but my guess is that if this is a lesson I’ve only just begun to learn then I’m probably not the only one who still needs to learn it.

Why do we need confrontation?

Why is it so important to confront our friends? Primarily because Jesus did. He repeatedly calls his disciples men of little faith and then asks them why they fear or why they doubt. He even tells Peter to, “Get behind me, Satan!” God, who himself is love, confronted his friends. He told them they were wrong and helped them to see their sin. We should have hard conversations with our friends because that’s what Jesus did. He challenged his friends out of his love for them. He knew it was in their best interest for him to call them out.

So if hard conversations are so important, why are we so bad at having them? I’m sure there are many reasons. A few of mine are insecurity, the fear of making people feel “judged,” fear of making things awkward, or waiting on God to show them himself. However, none of these reasons stand. We don’t have to be insecure because of God’s everlasting and abundant love. In Romans 5:12, we are instructed to judge those inside the church. The health of our friendships and the growth of our friends are worth an awkward conversation. Lastly, Jesus instructs us to rebuke others when they sin in Luke 17:3.

Start by asking yourself some questions

Probably the most insightful thing I have learned about having hard conversations is that it is helpful to ask yourself a few questions first. First, why do I want to confront them? Is my motive love, or jealousy, pride, bitterness, etc.? Second, why are they doing what they’re doing? Don’t just confront the behavior, but the beliefs and the heart issues beneath the behavior. Third, how can I confront them in a way that is loving?

The more I think about it, the more I believe that good friendships require the accountability provided by difficult conversations. It is the presence of accountability rather than the lack of confrontation that cultivates growth and depth in friendships. Are there any hard conversations you need to have?