The Goons featuring special guest Timothy Muehlhoff

Two average guys pretending they know how to fix your problems.



Juniors Shaefer Bagwell and Anders Corey, better known as “The Goons”, answer all social, romantic and general life queries in their premiere column. | Olivia Blinn/THE CHIMES

Juniors Shaefer Bagwell and Anders Corey, better known as "The Goons", answer all social, romantic and general life queries in their premiere column. | Olivia Blinn/THE CHIMES


Dear Goons,

If I were to do one thing this summer besides sleep and eat, what would you have me do?

Simple Summer-goer

Dear Simple,
Go out and experience where you are living. Get to know the area. Visit hole-in-the-wall places like coffee shops and restaurants. Make a list of places to go and get to know your environment better. If you live in L.A., you have plenty of options.

Also, learn that reading is not boring. Take this summer to become well-read.

Have fun,

The Goons


Dear Goons,

You all seem like very well dressed men. Any fashion tips for the boys and girls as we head off into sunny days?

Warm (even hot) regards,

Flip-Flop Fan

Dear Flip-Flop,

Get yourself some Sperry's. It is the first step, no pun intended, to looking stylish while staying comfortable in the hot months. If you are on a budget, get some at Nordstrom Rack, they are worth it. Other than that, plain v-necks and solid shorts will never prove you wrong. Invest in a pair of shorts that are a color other than brown or tan. Try out some navy blue, red, or, if you are feeling adventurous, try some serrsucker.

Always stylin’,

The Goons


Dear Goons,

How in God's name do you beat 2048?


Persistent Percy

Dear Persistent,

If you swipe down, left, up, right 25 times in a row it solves itself!

Sorry to ruin the challenge,

The Goons


Dear Goons,

I have zero student dollars left, way too many chapels to get done, and so many finals that tears are currently soaking through my carpet. Can you help me get through this year without punching somebody in the face or having an emotional breakdown? Help me, Goons, you're my only hope!



Dear Exhausted,

Take it day by day. C.S. Lewis said, "I think the present is quite workable, if we don't add to it with guilt of the past and anxiety of the future." I get it, it is crazy, it sounds trite. His grace is sufficient for today.


The Guest Goon


Dear Goons,

I just spilled coffee on my favorite pair of corduroys. Needless to say, I am distraught. Help me.

Wet and humiliated,

Cords & Coffee

Dear Cords,

First off, who wears corduroys? You live in Southern California, you should never wear corduroys. Go buy yourself a pair of jeans. As my good friend Erik Thoennes says, "Go visit a hospital. Meeting people lying in hospital beds will give you perspective!".

Dryly and confidently,

The Guest Goon


Dear Goons and Guest Goon,

I've been getting to know this woman really well this semester, and it's become clear that she is interested in me romantically. We have a great relationship as friends and I can easily see us being a good couple. However, I find myself more attracted to her personality then to her beauty. I've heard different professors say that physical attraction needs to be the foundation for a good relationship. Should I enter into this romantic relationship, and risk losing a friend?


Dear Anonymous Lover,

Come on.  Beauty fades but physical attraction is part of the attraction. If you get into it and then are not physically attracted, you are in trouble. It will cause problems if you are not physically attracted. Culture says it is all physical and Christians say the complete opposite. Both are important. This comes from a man that is used to being objectified.


The Guest Goon


Dear Goons and Guest Goon,

I'm struggling to figure out housing. I've lived with the same guy for two years now and he and our group of friends expect me to move into a house with them next year. The problem is, I feel like I've been growing apart from them into a new group and my new group of friends want me to live with them.

What should I do?


Popular and Perplexed

Dear Popular and Perplexed,

Your home is where you go and get refreshed. Find a safe haven and go home to that place. Do not live in a place of ministry or you will be worn out. Do not move in because you feel guilted in or you will get burnt out.


The Guest Goon

0 0 votes
Article Rating