Ask the Goons: March Edition

Two average guys pretending they know how to fix your problems.



Juniors Shaefer Bagwell and Anders Corey, better known as “The Goons”, answer all social, romantic and general life queries in their premiere column. | Olivia Blinn/THE CHIMES

Anders Corey and Shaefer Bagwell

Katie Brown/THE CHIMES

Juniors Shaefer Bagwell and Anders Corey, resident Goons. | Olivia Blinn/THE CHIMES

Dearest Goons,

I am desperate for your advice. I always see a lovely woman in the library, but I'm always too nervous to set my books down and chat with her. How can I build up to courage to speak with her? How do you feel about writing an anonymous love poem?

Help me,
Library Lover

Our dear Library Lover,

Set down the books! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you wait for her to talk to you, you're gonna be waiting awhile. Build up the courage by reminding yourself of everything awesome about you. You're a catch! Why wouldn't she want to go out with you? As for the poem … we don't have the answer for that. Is she the type of girl who would think that's adorable, or would she freak out? Do some recon and then get back to us.

Over and out,
The Goons

Sweet Goons,

I'm getting ready to declare a major, but I can't decide which one to choose. I want to love what I study … but I also want to get a job when I graduate. How should I navigate the major selection process?

Sincerely yours,

Dear Future-focused,

Listen, Goon One is a political science major, and Goon Two is a humanities major. We understand your fear — what if the big liberal arts firms aren't hiring when we graduate? Here's where we came down: College can be a torturous experience if you don't love what you study. These days, companies are looking for employees with communication skills, people skills and the ability to adapt. If you can find that education in your major, go with what you love. You can learn the technical stuff on the job. Unless you want to be a doctor or something. You should probably not learn on the job for that.

Sweet indeed,

Dear Goons,

I've been dating this amazing guy for almost a year now but I've just recently realized that he's not "the one" for me. I love hanging out with him, I love him, but I'm not in love with him. When I graduate in May, I'll be moving back home, whereas he already has a job in L.A. He is very much in love and is willing to make any distance or time work. Do I enjoy the last few months with this great guy, knowing the end is near (I don't want to do long distance), or just break things off amicably now?

Hopeless Lover

Dear Hopeless Lover,

I hope you are aware that if you force the relationship through the next few months, there will be a proposal on the other side — this is Biola after all. Also, there is a good chance that the two of you will break up anyway, if you are not that into him. Stop dragging the poor boy along and end things. In the end, it might be kinder if you bite the bullet. It may feel cruel, but it's important to remember that it could be almost dishonest to string him along. Note to all Biola students: Dragging things out is never the better idea. See Anders’ article on this topic.

End it already,

Dear Goons,

Last night, I was attempting the tremendously difficult task of making hot chocolate from the powder mix. For some reason, I decided to sit on my bed while trying to pour the mix into a mug of hot water, and managed to spill the entire packet of hot chocolate mix all over my white bedspread. And it gets better. I not only managed to get the mix EVERYWHERE, but also spilled my entire mug of hot water on the bed as well, creating a brown paste that is now cemented to my bed spread and has turned a most unfortunate color.



Unfortunately yours,
Sticky in Sigma

Oh, you poor child…

First, don’t drink sugary beverages before bed. You’ll get cavities. Second, just own it. Say, “Yeah, I messed myself. I’m craaaaaazy!” then make the crazy eyes at ‘em. They’ll never mess with you again.

Warmest regards,
The Goons

Dear Goons,

So I like this guy. We have met once, and he added me on Facebook right away. I want to get to know him more, what do I do? My heart stops every time he rides his bike past me.

Blushing Biker

Dear Blushing Biker,

Buy a bicycle built for two! Just kidding. Don't do that, it's weird. He friend-requested you right away, huh? It looks like he kinda wants to get to know you more, too. Find some excuses to talk to him! We know it's tempting, but DO NOT do the thing where you Facebook chat him at one in the morning. That's creepy. Instead, talk to him casually when he glides by on that bike. Don't fall all over him, but it’s OK to show your interest! 

Don’t let him brake your heart,
The Goons

Dear Goons,

This week I had a coworker lie to my face, but I can't confront her about it because I heard the opposite from someone who I trust and I don't want to drag her into the middle of it. I feel hurt but I don't know what else I can do. Should I confront her, or should I just let it go?

Stuck in the Office IRL

Dear Stuck,

Well … that kinda sucks. It is never a fun situation to mistrust your coworkers. That being said, it looks like you’re stuck in a sticky situation. We’re definitely going to pray about this. Here’s our advice: Pray that you can forgive her and try to let it go. Remember that you need to take her comments with a grain of salt for a while, but also remember that people make mistakes. We’ve been surprised at what comes out of our mouths when we’re under pressure and she might have just slipped. If this happens again, perhaps confront her in love, for the sake of your working and personal relationship.

The Goons

Dear Goons,

I'm having a real tough time adjusting to Biola life.
I think it’s great how many students ride bikes, but I've found myself feeling really left out.
I too have a love for for the two-wheeled transportation vehicle, yet I've found my motorized ways are not as accepted within the Biola community.

How can I connect with the "chain gangs" and yet still hold on to forward-leaning ways?

Segway to Heaven

Dear Segway,

First, remember that you can find solidarity in Campo. They rock those T-3s. Maybe join up with them? In the meantime, remember that this is a pretty old-fashioned place — the cyclists might just not be ready to accept your wave of the future. People had a hard time with other great ideas, too. I bet people laughed at Thomas Edison and his newfangled light bulb … and those bullies probably feel really stupid right about now. Remember that, dear Segway pilot. You’ll get the last laugh.

Zoom on, friend.
The Goons

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