Ask the Goons

Two average guys pretending they know how to fix your problems.



Juniors Shaefer Bagwell and Anders Corey, better known as “The Goons”, answer all social, romantic and general life queries in their premiere column. | Olivia Blinn/THE CHIMES

Anders Corey and Shaefer Bagwell

Juniors Shaefer Bagwell and Anders Corey, resident Goons. | Olivia Blinn/THE CHIMES

Good news, Biolans! All of your social, romantic and general life queries are about to be answered. Your favorite handsome and eligible bachelors are here to relieve you of your grievances — whether they relate to those big questions of life or your common tale of woe.

Dear Goons,
Does a young man become more handsome just by wearing a bow tie? Or is it his socks that count?

A young man cannot overestimate the importance of a good bow tie-sock combination. If you want to add some pizazz to any everyday outfit, wear some creative socks. Today, for example, one us is wearing red and gold argyle socks with the Biola eagle emblazoned upon them. Remember this, though: If you decided to wear a pre-tied bow tie, you automatically lose handsome points. YouTube is your friend — learn to tie it yourself.

Happy accessorizing,
The Goons

Dear Goons,
I have had a crush on this guy since freshman year, I'm a junior now, and it's ridiculous how much I want his attention. I'm usually not a hopeless romantic but I can't help myself. Whenever I enter any common area I always glance around to see if he is there. When I see him I talk to whoever is around him in hopes that he'll see me, and I feel like I always act weird around him. We are friends but I don't know if we'll ever get any further than that. I should just stop right? I have no hope for us but I can't help it … ugh!!

Dear Long Lost Lover,
Okay, that doesn't sound fun. Believe us, we've been there. Being lovesick is no walk in the park, but it does get better. Here's a couple options.

1. Space can help this kind of situation. We know what its like to feel like you've swallowed a bucket of ice every time that special someone flashes those baby blues in your direction. A simple solution to that problem is to remove yourself from the situation. You've been friends for three years … the relationship doesn't seem to be moving in the direction you want it to.

2. Tell him how you feel. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Not being around him might be better than the constant torture of not knowing. And you never know … every time he walks into a room, he might be looking for you. He just might be scared. Guys are sissies when it comes to this stuff.

Happy Valentine’s Day,
The Goons

Dearest Goons,
I am considering asking out a girl whom I am thoroughly convinced is God's most beautiful creation this Valentine’s Day; however, I am good friends with her older sister, and am beginning to think that she is starting to like me. On top of that, for Valentine's Day, too chicken to ask out the younger sister alone, I invited a group of couples, including the older sister on a night out. Anders and Bagwell, I need advice on how to find love young this Valentine’s Day, while letting this older sister know that this year will be yet another Singles Awareness Day for her (in the nicest way possible).

The Horton Double Dater

Dear Horton Double Dater,
This is quite the predicament, one we have put some thought toward. Just having this posted on the Internet is a start to letting the older sister know. How about taking them both on the date with you — they may be interested in a sister wife arrangement. If not, set the older sister up with one of your lonely friends. If this goes south you don't want to lose the relationship and the friendship!

But seriously, man up and ask out the younger sister. The group date on Valentine’s Day is a great idea, if you're looking to ease into your relationship with her. But going on a group date because you're too scared to actually ask her out one-on-one is a bad idea.

Happy double-timing,
The Goons

Dear Goons,
Recently, I became an Adjunct Faculty Member. Honored as I am, I thought it wise to get the lowdown on campus culture from some inside experts. Who better than the Goons?

So, what should I expect in a classroom of freshmen? Being that I am younger than their Bible and other general ed professors, will I be seen as "hip," "with it" and "worthy of attentiveness"? Or, am I going to be treated as nothing better than the ever-pranked high school substitute? Goons, how would you want your adjunct professor to convey their qualifications to your class-act?

I hope to hear back before class this week.
Anxious Adjunct

Dear Anxious Adjunct,
Your students are going to follow your lead. If you serve just as a conveyor of information, that's all they will see you as. Be intentional with them and prove that you're worth listening to. There are a good handful of adjuncts that are highly regarded by the students. Biola students latch on to passionate, intellectual professors who care about them taking in the subject matter. There was a reason you were brought in, so show the students why!

Soli Deo Gloria,
The Goons

Dear Goons,
I've recently moved to a new city and got involved playing on the worship team at the church I like here. I've become good friends with everyone including the girl that leads worship and her dad. (Her dad and I are really close buds now). When I first moved here and met everyone I wasn't really looking for a relationship. But now I find myself growing feelings for this girl. I've never had a romantic relationship grow out of a friendship and always been scared my friendship might get ruined if I take the risk. What's the best way to pursue her without things possibly becoming awkward?

Dear Wandering Worshiper,
Firstly, you need make sure your heart is breaking for what breaks God’s. Although you value her relationship now, when you’re married to someone else your wife will be the one thing that remains. While it may seem like a risk to maintain the friendship, God will find you where feet may fail and fear surrounds you. Jonalyn Fincher will give you 10,000 reasons why you can stay friends with the girl in the future, but it is not always true. Raise your ebenezer on your friendship with her and don’t go searching for just a divine romance.

Arms high and heart abandoned,
The Goons

Dear Goons,
I am really excited for the start of the year! Although, I really like this guy on campus, I just can't get past his political views. He is a democrat. I just could never get past someone who believes that the citizens of the United States should be dependent on a government that is filled with corrupt self-centered politicians. I do believe though, that the government should play a role in the lives of the citizens. That role should solely be to protect the citizens and regulate sectors that would normally lean towards corruption. What should I do?

Dear Confused Conservative,
So here’s the thing: Do you think this young Democrat loves God? Does he want to advance the kingdom? Does he care about families and kids? Does he believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and hope for him to come back soon? If the answers to those questions are ”yes,” then that is what’s important. You should be able to move past his politics, the same way you could get along with a dog person if you were a cat lady. You know?

The Goons


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