I was once reprimanded by an editor for being too nice about everything. For that matter, I’ve been too nice about a lot of things in my life. I’ll keep being nice because that’s all I know how to be, but I am not going to be nice about “The Fifth Estate.” This is mainly due to the fact that “The Fifth Estate” is the cinematic equivalent of a pile of boar manure, lit on fire and then doused in cayenne pepper. I can only hope Bill Condon, the director of the film, intended for this biopic’s main purpose to be a visual substitute for swallowing raw eggs or putting your index finger down your throat.

BIOPIC ABOUT WIKILEAKS FOUNDER 

“The Fifth Estate” is an attempted biopic about the notorious and enigmatic WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange. If you’ve been paying attention the headlines, Assange is the kind of figure who is capable of amassing titles as diverse as “traitor” and “hero” for himself. His website is responsible for the dispersal of classified documents which have led to the exposure of corruption in financial and political spheres. Some of the leaks have even put people’s lives in danger, hence the eminent controversy surrounding his name.

While you may not find Assange to be of your preferred moral caliber, he undoubtedly succeeded as a movie critic when he said of “The Fifth Estate” that it was “a geriatric snoozefest only the U.S. government could enjoy.” His main virtue has always been the exposure of truth, and his opinion about the film made in his likeness can be taken as infallible and objective. Any human being with an operational frontal cortex should be able to see this film as the unfortunate driveling waste of time it is.

“But wait!” says the sympathizer. “I’ve heard Benedict Cumberbatch does a good job even if the movie is terrible.” To some degree, this is true. He does have Assange’s voice and mannerisms down pretty well, and it would be foolish to consider Cumberbatch as anything short of the wonderful actor he is. But his performance in the film is far from salvational, totally incapable of rescuing this movie from the pit it belongs to. And, to be honest, he isn’t even that good in it.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE NARRATIVE 

From a writing and directorial standpoint, “The Fifth Estate” is beyond comprehension and is unable to create any tension whatsoever. It’s an attempt to make “The Social Network” meets “The Bourne Identity” and, big surprise, it’s not up to par with either. The litany of events on the screen are about as gripping as the moment the oldest living member of the Senate decides to filibuster for the sake of stopping new FDA regulations. Moreover, “The Fifth Estate” is the proud winner of this year’s Bereft of Logical Cohesion Award. The editing and gimmicks Condon uses to get his “points” across are so confusing and contrived that it’s hard to follow the film’s narrative arc for more than two minutes.

Are there any highlights? I suppose you could learn something new about WikiLeaks, but it would honestly be more engaging to read an academic article on the matter. There is a painfully unfunny scene where Assange dances in a nightclub with his arms flailing around like an octopus that you may, for some unknown reason, be fond of. There is also the recurring theme of why, why, why Assange’s hair is white? This question is, without any resort to irony on my part, the most pressing question raised in the movie. And it’s raised at least three times.

Given how fascinating Assange’s real world conduct is, it’s disturbing how terrible this film is at depicting it on every single level.