We provide fun and quirky tips on how to succeed in “Catch Me If You Can.” | Job Ang/THE CHIMES

_Editor’s Note: This piece is intended as satirical opinions piece. For clarification, this year’s winner was not actually interviewed, but this was a literary device used to further the satirical nature of the piece. _

Biola is a magical place where freshmen incapable of deciphering the campus map are transformed in only four short years into graduates capable of raising a family, earning a paycheck and teaching a Bible study without the aid of a flannelgraph. The process is difficult. It is expensive too, from what my parents tell me. But most of us come to college because we were told at orientation that this is a place where education can mature young minds into capable citizens, just like the student body president who dressed up to deliver her welcoming speech. I think most parents see her heels and think their little freshmen will shed their acne and be quoting Kant by Thanksgiving.

It is not true.

Once the parents leave, every college student reverts to a grade schooler. We eat French fries and soft serve at least once a day. We refuse to take showers any morning we have class before 10. We have sleepovers where we play Nintendo 64 until four in the morning. We develop crushes on our teachers, especially those named Matt Williams. We go to class barefoot or in our pajamas. We text during lectures. We are addicted to Facebook. I mean, we still love superhero movies, for Pete’s sake!

It is time that parents know that their precious freshman is no longer acting like a high school student, but a middle schooler. Think I am exaggerating? Well, parents, your college student spent the last week participating in a campus-wide water gun fight. What’s more, the fight was themed after the children’s flick “Finding Nemo,” which makes little sense considering Biola is not a preschool and considering the fact that the water fight itself has been named “Catch Me If You Can” after a 2002 movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Tips for future participants

I had the chance to interview this year’s champion Friday after the victory. He had little to contribute regarding the mysterious relationship between adorable animated fish and a money-hungry con man, but did lay out a four-step plan for success that future competitors will undoubtedly find useful.

1. Borrow a dollar from your parents. If your parents live far away, have them mail you the money. Be sure that they do not think that the 44-cent stamp counts towards the dollar you are borrowing. Stamps are not accepted by Associated Students’ social board.
2. Use the dollar to purchase your spot in the competition. You will be given an assignment to assassinate and a small water gun to accomplish the mission. This little gun has a range of about 14 inches and can be easily hidden in most articles of clothing, except for skinny jeans. I tried it once. Somehow the gun started to leak and it looked as if I had wet myself. Don’t try it.
3. Lock yourself in your room. Do not go to class, church or chapel. Only leave to find your target. Even bathroom trips are unnecessary and can be replaced by a small bucket. A stash of food is ideal as well. This can be accomplished by sneaking one extra cookie from the Caf every week for the entire previous semester. Oatmeal raisin cookies are best, as they provide your body with extra nutrition — both fruit and grain. This could be a great time to catch up on “Downton Abbey” if you can borrow your friend’s Netflix password.
4. Emerge from your dorm at the end of the week. After accepting your prize, find some Febreze. Your room will need it. If Febreze is unavailable, rub deodorant over the smelliest parts of your room.

In all seriousness, the writer of this piece would like to congratulate all 300 participants in this year’s competition for acting like children. I would also like to suggest that next year’s theme be more environmentally conscious. The casual nature with which the student body has associated violence with marine life is disturbing and offensive. Perhaps a “Rambo” theme next year would be more politically correct.