Vein Finder: reality TV’s next gem

I have recently created a brilliant new job which will revolutionize healthcare and improve the lives of virtually everybody.

Vein finder. Yes, people who have no medical background but can spot the best place to stick someone in the arm.

In my limited encounters with doctors and hospitals, it has come to my attention that some people have been born/gifted with the talent of being able to find and stick a vein on their first attempt, while other doctors, with years of experience, need multiple tries, which eventually incites this conversation:

Patient (looking down at manifold punctures in bruised arm): “Is there something wrong?”

Doctor (taking another jab): “No, no … LINDA! Would you come take a look at this?”

Linda then comes in, finds the appropriate place, and painlessly removes a vial of blood from the arm. She locates the vein instantly, and the entire process suddenly appears incredibly simple. Now admittedly, Linda has probably had a lot of medical background which has prepared her for blood drawing situations such as this.

But the first doctor also had the same medical background. This leads to the undeniable conclusion that only a small part of Linda’s blood-taking prowess came from training. The main force behind her ability was pure intuition, a sort of genetic inclination if you will.

There are probably many hundreds of thousands who also have this natural ability, but it is laying dormant, silenced and unrealized because they have rejected the 18.5 years of higher education required for a career in the medical profession.

The solution is clear: we need to discover these people, give them the small amount of training necessary, and place them in hospitals across the country. With a vein finder in every hospital there will be no need for multiple spearing attempts for every patient who needs some blood work done.

Now many may scoff and point out, rightly so, that people won’t just randomly decide to leave their jobs on the offhand chance that they have any skill at vein finding. Therefore, as incentive, it is necessary to appeal to the mysterious part of every American that desires glory so dramatically that they will do anything, give up anything, to get their allotted 15 minutes of fame.

Yes, the answer is obvious: a reality TV show that will discover America’s next generation of vein finders. Using a format somewhat akin to American Idol, “Finding the Vein,” will have a snobby French judge, a sweet nurse and a pale, ex-emo judge. Thousands of contestants will audition, showing their natural vein-finding abilities by drawing blood from convicts who volunteer in return for reduced sentences.

The early auditions will be the most enjoyable part of the show as comical situations arise from interactions between inept contestants and angry criminals. However, eventually there will many far-reaching and subtle benefits of this plan. It will ultimately boost the American economy by creating jobs, entertain thousands of viewers, deter crime, and result in a greatly improved blood-giving experience, which will increase blood donors and save lives.

You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.

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