I am constantly getting phone calls, emails and letters from readers who are seeking out my opinion. And it’s no small wonder. The journalistic integrity oozes so tangibly from The Chimes that it frequently gets readers’ hands sticky with quality. I am frequently approached about the subject of global warming. Many of our nation’s top scientists have been talking a lot about this subject lately. You may have been skeptical, but it turns out that many of our nation’s top celebrities have agreed with the scientists. Well, when Barbara Streisand and Al Gore’s scientific panel both agree on something, then I act. That is why I have decided to respond both to your letters and scientists everywhere by finally studying this whole global warming thing myself.

After an intensive afternoon-long study of global warming in my apartment (also known as apartment warming) I have come to several conclusions. Based on personal experience I have found that the number one cause of greenhouse gas in my apartment is breakfast burritos. I surveyed the scientific community living in my apartment and two out of three of my room’s top scientists believe that “greenhouse gases are caused by houses made out of glass.” Also, they agreed with the prevailing idea that greenhouse gas is caused by gases in emissions such as carbon dioxide. But here is the kicker: carbon dioxide is what dry ice is made out of! This means that the world isn’t getting warmer; it is just getting so cold that it feels hot.

After all of the effort I put into my extensive research of global warming I can honestly say that I’m really looking forward to it. Rising ocean levels and the thawing of my homeland in the Midwest can’t be as apocalyptic as P. Diddy is saying. We’ve heard the jokes about new oceanfront property, but seriously, we were all hoping Biola was closer to the beach when we applied. As a resident of upper campus I’m not really going to miss Hope anyway.

But that’s not the only reason why I can’t wait. Finally I can stop worrying about these pesky greenhouse gases and get that Hummer. With all the poles formerly known as ice caps lapping upon the beautiful beaches of Arizona, I won’t have to worry about melting anything anymore. You can forget bicycles; I’m driving to get the mail. I’ll drive to the kitchen to use my new 200cc gas powered toaster.

There will also be wide-sweeping economic improvements. I’m talking about the end of global warming benefit concerts. Many of our nation’s top musical groups are virtually starving themselves by playing for almost free in all these benefit concerts. But afterwards, they can go back to charging $70 for a seat in the balcony facing the wrong way. This means that all those artists will make enough to buy Lithuania so they won’t be so uptight about illegal downloading. That is where the savings are passed on to you. Global warming equals free music. So I recommend trading in your fuel-efficient Honda Civic for a bulldozer and heating your house by burning tires in order to join me in my campaign for global warming. Help us bring an end to the debate. It’s time the legislative branch of our government finally stepped up by continuing to do nothing. I would encourage you to write a letter to your congressman. In fact make 3,000 copies just in case he doesn’t get the first one. I’ll see you at the rally.

• The print edition of this issue of the Chimes has been printed on 100% rainforest paper.