Movie: 12 Rounds

Director: Renny Harlin

Stars: ** 1/2 (out of five)

Release Date: March 27, 2009

Just from the derivative trailer, “12 Rounds” sets itself up as a mediocre action film with terrible action and preposterous plotting starring wrestler John Cena. And you would be correct in that assumption except for one minuscule detail: “12 Rounds” is perfect escapism.

John Cena plays New Orleans police officer Danny Fisher who inadvertently earns the wrath of Irish terrorist Miles Jackson – whose name is strangely as far from being Irish as they come, as Danny accidentally kills the terrorist’s girlfriend and incarcerates Jackson. Jackson vows revenge on the hapless detective, a normal set-up for a typical action film.

Fast forward a year and Danny is now a detective, living with his cute girlfriend Molly (Ashley Scott) and on the road to the good life when all of a sudden … you guessed it, faithful reader! Surprise of all surprises, Miles Jackson comes a-calling, kidnapping Molly (a big no-no in action films) and setting up an intricate revenge plot against the unfortunate detective by sending him on “12 rounds” of quests and games throughout the city in an attempt to win her back.

Beyond the preposterous nature of one man setting up an entire plot involving tests, this flick simply has nothing going for it beyond explosions and car chases and shootouts. Ripping off nearly every major action film from the past decade, “12 Rounds” does the one smart thing I didn’t expect and decided to not take itself seriously. By removing the brain from “12 Rounds,” it took a potentially horrific film and turned it into a giant loopy slugfest that simply accepted the fact that being brainless is ok. The folks sitting behind me weren’t expected “The Departed” and, judging by their boisterous laughter, they enjoyed it.

Imagine Damon’s head on Arnold’s body and you have some idea of what leading man John Cena’s presence mimics. He has the presence of an action star, but he delivers his poorly written lines with the same passion of an 80-year-old telemarketer selling downers.

But, ladies and gentlemen, none of that matters. All that matters is that Hollywood has again delivered a brain-dead action film that fills its quota with big explosions, shaky camerawork and an antagonist so self-deluded that the audience guessed every revelation he incurs many minutes ahead of time.

This begs the following question: Is it too much to ask for an intelligent screenplay and a decent trio of actors who actually give care about what they are putting forth to the public? In this fractured economy, I suppose, people need to see dumb movies that are fun. I suppose people need relaxation from the daily deluge of the nine to five. I suppose this movie isn’t all that bad, but I suppose that seeing all of this done before has reduced the action genre to blurs and banal one-liners that reek of better times.