Movie review: “Friday the 13th”

Director: Marcus Nispel

Release Date: Feb. 13, 2009

Stars: 0.5 out of 5

Rating: R for strong bloody violence, some graphic sexual content, language and drug material

Jason Voorhees is reborn. In this retread of the original story, a group of partygoers make camp not far from Camp Crystal Lake, where Voorhees resides. Before long, they are picked off by the hockey-mask being with gruesome efficiency. It seems to be the norm as people are said to have been disappearing in the area for quite some time.

Six weeks later, another group of sex-obsessed college students move into their lake cabin, and the brother of one of the missing girls from earlier shows up in an attempt to find his sister. Voorhees sharpens his countless machetes in gleeful anticipation of the bare skin and slaughter we all know is coming. Don’t these college students ever learn that camping in the woods always leads to trouble?

That is the plot the new and not-so-improved “Friday the 13th,” from the director of remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Essentially, this film is one long chase sequence, punctuated by brief moments of graphic sexuality. The writers clearly followed up on the age-old horror cliché of sex-obsessed teenagers and a bloodthirsty, machete-wielding killer. People are constantly showing off their blatant stupidity by entering haunted houses that – surprise – turn out to be the killer’s lair, and leaving each other alone to be eviscerated by the cuddly Mr. Voorhees.

The cast is faceless and uninteresting, just faces and bodies stuck in frame to propel us to the next kill. The racial caricatures are also exasperating; the nerdy Asian who exists solely for comic relief, the young African-American who exists to crack one racial joke and get high and the narcissistic yuppie who you hate within the first five seconds.

Every horror film is clearly banking off the fact that adolescent teenagers and gore-hounds will pay to sit and watch someone have their head sliced off. This is shock and awe on its most mainstream level. The only lesson that may be learned from this film is this: don’t have illicit sex, use drugs recreationally, or be an overall jerk, because if Jason is within two miles of you, you will be the first to die.

Technically, the film is fairly competent and moderate tension is created throughout due to a creepy lighting atmosphere and set design that reflect the glimmer of rusty steel and ageless fright of a dark forest at night. However, every single scene has been telegraphed, so tension really doesn’t matter at this point.

The final item to remember is this: when visiting Camp Crystal Lake, be a nice person and you might live until just before the end credits, and maybe your death will have some notion of sacrifice and be semi-painless. Maybe.