Written by Zach Newcott

As a columnist, it’s my duty to tackle the hard-hitting issues. It’s for this reason that when I was given the task of reporting on chapel overcrowding by my editor, I shoved everything off her desk and screamed “Don’t SPIT in a bucket and call it a SUNDAE!”

I could tell she knew I meant business.

However, I encountered numerous problems in writing this piece. The first was that I didn’t know chapels were becoming overcrowded. The second was that this was because I never went to chapel.

I must admit, I’m not the most stringent man when it comes to chapel attendance. Unlike many Biola students, I spend more time sleeping, eating, and interacting with others than I do reading the Bible. It appears I’m not alone in this.

Statistically speaking, more Americans spend their time on the computer than they do listening to James Earl Jones recite the entire New Testament on audio tape.

It’s a sick world we live in.

Biola has prepared for this discrepancy by kindly requiring its students to attend 30 chapels, with 15 of those in person, along with eight additional conferences.

When I first heard this news in the form of a miniature business card, I happily rejoiced in the form of projectile vomit all over the admissions desk. “Fifteen chapels and eight conferences?!” I exclaimed, no doubt in joy.

This joy however was bitterly poisoned upon my first visit to Chase Gymnasium where students were conglomerated in a group so densely packed I had to shove at least 12 swaying Torrey honor students onto their knees. As they vanished beneath the crowd, I knew they wouldn’t go home to their libraries that night.

I clambered my way up the bleachers, heading for high ground. From the very top I was able to peer out. Many had their hands outstretched during the worship songs, undoubtedly reaching for any floating debris in the sea of people to climb up onto.

In an effort to help, I threw a water bottle to one student who became unfortunately distracted enough at the last minute to be knocked unconscious by my container of Evian. She will surely be missed.

Why must this happen? Many, if not all, will place the blame on a minimum number of opportunities to attend chapel, or a lack of secondary options such as remote viewing from other auditoriums. To be honest, the answer my friend, is a simple misunderstanding.

Let me reiterate, “Students must attend 15 chapels IN PERSON.” Ladies and gentlemen, if there is one thing college has taught me, it’s that I should never work “too hard.”

And waking up before 9:30 in the morning to attend chapel goes under the category of “working too hard.”

This is America.

What Biola really needs is a kind but insistent bartender to tell any student who has attended more than two chapels in a week that maybe they’ve had enough. They need to leave some room for others, maybe even help lower the standards for the weaker and less fortunate by only attending the minimum requirement. I think we need to stop being so selfish and just say one or three mornings a week, “Hey, you know what? I’m going to witness to others by sleeping in today and letting THEM attend chapel.”

You may not get a medal. You may not even get a parade. But you, my friend, will be both a patriot and a gentleman. God bless.