Reuben Torrey — R.A. Torrey sounds too much like the name of a New Jersey tavern — dropped by the other day while I was watering my lawn. Not one to tiptoe around, he began our conversation with a pointed “What’s with?”

“Not much,” I replied. “What’s with you?”

“No,” he barked with a smile on the edge of his beard. “I mean, what’s with naming my conference after a preposition? I thought the word ‘Bible’ was still in the title!”

“I’m not sure; I was wondering the same thing. Or, at least why they didn’t choose a better preposition — perhaps one nearer the beginning of the alphabet? Maybe ‘Against’ for seminars on spiritual warfare, ‘As’ like living like Jesus, or even ‘Down’ as in U.S. News and World Report rating us lower than Azusa and La Verne. Truth be told, Reuben, I’m afraid of Satan, already feel guilty about how I represent Jesus and I think Biola should pull out of the USNWR system.”

Mr. T interrupted my musing: “Who cares about some New York-based secular magazine’s statistics? In my day, all we cared about was God’s opinion!”

Since Mr. Torrey all-but established the tone and content of The Bible Institute of Los Angeles in its early years, I figured he should have a say in the direction of “his” conference. As we strolled down Soto Street to grab a pupusa, he reemphasized that, while UCLA, USC and Occidental can parade their academic and/or athletic credentials, how many universities have remained true to their roots and kept the word of God as their top priority?

When I pointed out that recent Torrey Conferences have featured cutting edge topics — sabbathing, guy-girl relationships and sacred places — he stopped dead in his Dr. Martens and glared at me.

“I could do those ‘conferences’ in 30-seconds each!” he claimed.

Sabbath? — “Kick back on Sunday!”

Relationships? — “Hold your pants on till you get married!”

Sacred Places? — “I like to visit this shuttered mental hospital at midnight on Halloween!” — I let that one go; you don’t critique Reuben Archer Torrey!

Now, I don’t know whether this year’s shindig is going to be a blessing or a bust. I truly pray for the former. But I have an admonition for all speakers and students: Wear out your Bibles for three days, or Reuben is going to be ticked!

On the other hand, if post-modern Christianity and the allure of relevancy is too powerful to fight, Reuben and I recommend that we obey Jesus’ admonition to either go Arizona hot or Michigan cold. Biola — we have a grand choice: Either return to the days of hard-core conferences or go the cold route. If the latter is appealing, may I offer some suggestions:

A. “Drinking/smoking protocol”: Since Biola buckled on grad students not getting wasted and contracting emphysema, we’d better get prepped for the inevitable dropping of “The Contract” for underclassmen. I personally refuse to attend grad weddings if liquor is served, largely because Biola kids look so darned awkward holding beer bottles and wine glasses. It’s not in our DNA; we just can’t seem to figure out how to imbibe without looking like idiots. And, carrying cigarettes like pens is just plain embarrassing. But, at the “new” Torrey, we could learn together!

B. “Time for a change”: It’s not enough to dialogue with members of the LGBT community. We need to learn how to change orientation, gender and even ethnicity. “Make the switch after three days of cutting edge seminars!”

C. “Deprogramming home-schoolers”: Learn to hate your mother and embrace the carnality of everything outside your house.

D. “How to feign Christian values while living in the flesh”: Institutionalized hypocrisy could become the next gold standard.

E. “Pursuing Jihad against Muslims, democrats, Mexicans, APU students and other scary people groups”: Why should terrorists have all the fun?

Feeling confident and tossing caution into the Santa Ana Wind, I hit up Reuben with my brilliant ideas. After regaining consciousness and picking myself up off the sidewalk, I ran to catch him and promised I’d write a column for the Chimes, requesting that Biola replace a preposition with a proper noun: Bible. Now, that’s good grammar!