Two years ago I worked as a resident advisor on Haven in Hart Hall. As an RA I had no lack of company in my life. I belonged to a community of over 50 guys. I was close friends with my floor partner, my roommate and several guys who I met with once a week for a meal in the Caf. I also have a loving family that was always a phone call away. Suffice it to say, it was a rare occasion for a day to go by without my having a meaningful interaction with another human.
EXPERIENCING LONLINESS IN COMMUNITY
But in spite of all the great people in my life, I often felt lonely. It was embarrassing, especially given the community and the friendships I was blessed to have. When I finally opened up with my friends, I found I wasn’t alone in my loneliness. In fact, as I have become more attentive to this element of human life over the past couple years, I have come to realize that most people can and do experience loneliness even when surrounded by people.
Loneliness is an inescapable element of the human experience. If we go back to the beginning, we see that God did not think it was good for us to be alone. Although God created someone for Adam to be in community with, the consequence of his sin meant brokenness in that human relationship and all relationships that would follow. And lets face it: no human relationship will ever perfectly provide the love, acceptance and sense of belonging that we truly desire. God alone can do that.
LONELINESS RESULTS FROM AVOIDING AUTHENTIC COMMUNITY
As we seek to know this perfect love we may also find that loneliness results from our choice to avoid authentic community, which is what God intended for us from the start. As far as I can see, we avoid community either by hiding our true selves or by prioritizing our individual goals and success above our relationships.
The deceptive thing about hiding your true self is that you can do it very successfully even while you are with people. We all want to be perceived by others in a certain way and often project a false self to others in order to achieve that perception. As you hide yourself from those around you, you successfully avoid the possibility of your true self being rejected. However, you simultaneously forego the opportunity to ever be fully accepted for who you really are.
I think we will all find that a little intentionality in showing our true selves to God and to others will go a long way. You might start by thinking about how you pray and how you interact with others: Do you put on a show in an attempt to keep the real you out of view, or do you seek to simply be you?
We may also find that our loneliness traces back to America’s deeply individualistic roots. For generations we have been independent, self-reliant individuals who work hard to provide for ourselves and chase our dreams. One of the consequences of this approach to life is a value system in which our goals, agendas and pursuit of success often trump our relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, by no means is it bad to have agendas, reach goals and work toward success. I would only like to point out that in a society characterized by individualism, it is easy to sacrifice community for productivity without knowing it. This may be difficult to spot, but if you take a step back and look at your life, do you see any patterns? Do you find that your productivity always trumps your relationships? Is there anything that you have to do everyday, perhaps eating or doing homework, that you could invite others into?
Whether loneliness only comes knocking every once in a while or it feels like the story of your life, remember that God made us for community. When we avoid authentic, Christ-centered community, we miss out on a gift that God has given us to enjoy. The path Christ has called us to is a narrow path, but its not meant to be walked alone.
