Written by Calvin Sodestrom

I love to walk into Christian bookstores and see how far the Christian subculture has truly gone. The vast array of things I can buy with either our Savior’s name or face imprinted on them is amazing. I’m all for selling Christian books and little trinkets here and there, but being able to purchase a roll of toilet paper with a verse on each individual square seems to be going a little far. Alright, so I made that up and it’s a horrible idea, but to be funny (which I try really hard to do) you have to push the edges a little bit. My point is that we tack Christianity onto everything and it might be going a little too far.

Or maybe we haven’t gone far enough. We’ve infiltrated the music industry, the breath mint industry, and every In ‘N Out on the West Coast, but we seem to be absent in the television industry. Yeah we’ve got TBN, but I’m talking real TV. I’m talking a Christian Network. We’ve already got the Apologetix on our track record so we can only go uphill from there. (If you don’t know the Apologetix, look them up on iTunes and you’ll understand. They are the Weird Al of Christian music and just as cheesy as you might imagine.) So I’ve got a couple show ideas for Christianity’s biggest hits since Martin Luther and John Calvin.

Every network has to have some sort of drama or action show. “CSI,” “24,” and “Touched by an Angel” are all good examples. My network, WWCW (What Would Christ Watch), will have an action-thriller called “Passport,” the story of two young men who smuggle Bibles into closed countries, thwarting the authorities with their nonviolent methods, yet still causing big explosions along the way. Giant explosions.

Next up we need a teen drama. Some shows we can learn from are “One Tree Hill,” “The O.C.” and “Gilmore Girls,” and “Touched By an Angel.” I’m thinking we take a Christian classic, “McGee and Me,” and throw in a nice touch of puberty. He can struggle with girls, school and the fact that he’s been talking to a cartoon for the last 16 years of his life.

Every good network also needs its own comedy. “The Office” is my personal favorite, along with “Touched By an Angel.” Although my idea is very personal to Biola, I think it could gain national appeal. Through a series of comical mishaps and misunderstandings, our very own Dr. Erik Thoennes finds himself the head master of an all-girls junior high. Now, I don’t question Thoennes’ ability to lead an all-girls junior high school, I just imagine the consequences to be absolutely hilarious.

Finally, the crown jewel of WWCW; a Christian reality show. Calvinists and Armenians, forced to live in the same house for three months while having to make important decisions and follow through with grueling, conflict-evoking tasks. Imagine this with me. In the introduction, Armenians will walk toward the house with Lynyrd Skynrd’s “Free Bird” in the background. The Calvinists will walk towards them with the Police’s “Every Breath You Take” playing. It’s genius. It’s genius or television suicide. Maybe both.

In all seriousness, I understand that this will never work out. The Christian community isn’t ready to be made fun of in the public eye. But maybe, just maybe, they’re ready for Wiping the Sin Away, the Christian toilet paper.