A screenplay for Disney’s sci-fi fantasy epic “John Carter” has been sitting on MGM shelves for more than 80 years.

Apparently that still wasn’t long enough for it to marinate.

Andrew Stanton fails to create compelling live-action film

“John Carter,” based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ 100-year-old “Barsoom” series of science-fantasy short stories, is the $250 million culmination of a process that began in 1931 to translate the beloved franchise into a feature film. The script has seen different stages of production ever since, getting pulled out of the vault and then re-shelved over and over again.

That is, of course, until now. “John Carter” finally made its way to theaters by way of Pixar director Andrew Stanton (“Finding Nemo,” “WALL-E”). For somebody who found such tremendous success bringing simple, cherished, animated stories to screen, it seems the notion of creating something live-action was just too much for Stanton and company to handle.

After 80 years, “John Carter” is a Martian mess.

Stanton seems to think that he needs to cram as much “Barsoom” lore and science-fiction weirdness into the two-hour film as possible. The result is a movie so incomprehensible and riddled with plot holes and gaps that it isn’t worth trying to piece together.

Cast gives unconvincing performance

A few of the initial scenes show real promise. An early sequence when Carter breaks out of jail and rides out on horseback fleeing his captors is an exciting, visually stunning chase. Shortly thereafter, Carter finds himself on Mars and the movie spirals out of control from there.

The eponymous Carter is played by Taylor Kitsch, who gives an assured performance. This is not a compliment. Carter is supposed to be a stranded Virginian cavalryman who finds himself transported by hitherto unexplained means to the surface of Mars, abducted by aliens and eventually sent on a quest to rescue the entire humanoid population of the red planet from certain doom. Assured is the last thing I would expect such a person to be. Rather than portray vulnerability and a growing understanding of and compassion for the inhabitants of Barsoom, Carter is constantly gruff and unlikable, about as two-dimensional and gristly as the world’s worst carne asada.

The rest of the cast is little better. The villains aren’t hateable and Carter’s allies are no more likable than Carter himself. Friend or foe is totally arbitrary, and one particular faction changes alignment toward the protagonist something like four times over the course of the movie.

Bad storytelling, science fiction

What seems to have happened is the team behind “John Carter” was so sure they had made an incredible movie they spent the film’s entire run-time convincing the viewer they had done so — forgetting to actually make a good movie in the process. They’ve just ticked all the boxes. Romantic sub-plot? Check. Futuristic technology depicted by blue-ish beams? Check. Adorable non-human compatriot? Check.

Beyond that, it’s all dross. All character motivations are assumed. None of the players’ back stories are detailed, yet are integral to many of the decisions they make. Major plot points are illuminated through dialogue sequences, as if the characters are explaining everything aloud. It’s bad, bad storytelling top to bottom.

“John Carter” also contains the absolute worst science fiction I’ve ever seen. Carter can jump literally hundreds of feet in the air, and they chalk it up to his “bone density” as an earthling. I’m not kidding. Terms like “the ninth ray” and “medallion” show up out of the blue like the script was written with science fiction refrigerator word magnets.

Sure, the visuals are nice and the settings are fanciful. But there’s more to filmmaking than that. I expect to be told a story. “John Carter” makes me feel like an uninvited guest.

Preachy and predictable, uninspired and overwrought, flimsy and forgettable — do not see “John Carter.” Do not rent “John Carter.” And by all means do not buy “John Carter” on Blu-ray.

Unless, I suppose, you’ve read the source material. In that case, you’ve accepted the setting, gotten to know the characters and fallen in love with the lore already. In your case, “John Carter” might just be the visceral flight of fantasy its creators think it is.

That just doesn’t make “John Carter” a good movie.