To my lonely brothers and sisters this Valentine’s Day,
Living in a community where “ring by spring” is an expected idiom and it seems as if DTRs unfold on every bench around campus, I think it is safe to admit there is a strong temptation to idolize the concept of marriage.
I want to affirm that God created faithful oneness between a man and woman as a uniquely beautiful thing. In his book “Mere Christianity,” C.S. Lewis describes marriage as this: “It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God.” By God’s abundant grace, marriage can be a profound reflection of his faithful love for the church and may be used in incredible ways for his glory.
Rejoicing in singleness
Yet at Biola, as well as in the larger context of the contemporary Christian church, the value of a godly marriage is the topic far more often than the value of godly singleness. Paired with the heightened emphasis on couples in light of this holiday, it is especially challenging to be a single right now. For those of us single people, these circumstances draw particular attention to what we don’t have. A lot of us are painstakingly aware that our deep desire to be known and cherished by another person remains, at least presently, unsatisfied.
The reality of life is that all people experience singleness to a certain degree, yet not everyone experiences marriage. My concern is that with concentrated focus on the benefit of marriage, everything apart from marriage may merely be used as a means to reach that greater end. Essentially, the value and opportunity available in singleness is completely minimized, maybe even diminished, as we focus our attention on the future possibility of partnership.
But my dear friends, although I am grieving with you in the awareness of this unfilled desire, I rejoice in the sweet beauty of being a single person for the glory of our Lord. I am writing to you, out of care for you, to remind you of the hope that is for you because of our savior and of the preciousness that your current season as a single person holds.
Redeemed and comforted by Christ
I’ve found that it is with the absence of a romantic interest that I recognize my utter dependence on Christ. It is often in the loneliness that I am pushed to abide in him with reckless abandon and God uses the pain as a platform to enter into beautiful intimacy with me. The wise St. Augustine once explained, “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance.” As I press into the one who knows me and cares for me in ways no earthly lover could, he reminds me of my redeemed identity in him and I am comforted by this great love that chose me before I chose him. Through this, I experience the mystery and paradox that belongs uniquely to the Christian faith: a true and humble joy right in the middle of suffering. My friend, God values your singleness as he is using it to draw you more deeply into togetherness with him.
I want to encourage you that being a single person enables you to seek mutually strengthening relationships with our sisters and brothers. Our relational capacities are not limited to a boyfriend or girlfriend, fiance or fiancee, or even a spouse; we are created to belong to a greater web of people that each reflect the uniqueness of God’s character. In the past, I had been so caught up in my romantic relationships that I lost sight of the necessity of girls in my life. This is something I recognize God has been restoring through this season of singleness. I can pour into women and be poured into freely and engage in fellowship without a split focus. I only now consider sisterhood as irreplaceable for me and I will never again willingly forfeit edifying relationships with godly women. My friend, please don’t lose sight of the necessity of good same-gender friendships.
Loving others in community
In this season, you are also free to serve others with your whole heart. In relationships, we tend to see life through the lens of our romantic other. We may make decisions, engage with people, and develop opinions in consideration of this one other person. As a couple heads closer toward marriage, this kind of consideration for the significant other is a natural demonstration of your commitment to them. But isn’t it a bit troubling that our ability to serve others has another loophole it needs to jump through? There is something truly life-giving about being fully emotionally and mentally present when we serve another in need. Even further, as a single person I’ve found I can relate more easily to the hardship others may be facing in their lives. My friend, with this empathy we can encourage each other as well as remind each other of the abundant joy that is in this life.
My sisters and brothers, it is of utmost importance that you know in the feeling of loneliness you are never alone. Not only is there a great community of people around you each day who are experiencing the same hardship or have faced this trial before, but you may rest in the promise that the Spirit of God will never leave your side. Even when our feelings tell us otherwise, God’s own presence will never forsake and will never abandon.
“Lo, I am with you always,” Jesus says in Matthew 28:20.
It is in this covenant with him that we must first find value before we can rightly enter into the human covenant of marriage or any relationship leading in its direction. So, my dear friends, this is my love letter to you because the truest way to love another is with truth. It is a gift to me that I may share in this season with you and pass on the hope for our joy, reminding you to cherish this present time in the knowledge that you are known, you are deeply cared for, and you are never alone.
