When you read the word conflict, do your shoulders become tense? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Do you remember the words that slipped out of your mouth that you wish that you could take back? Has it caused you to lose sleep? There are very few people around who would claim to enjoy conflict, especially conflict of an interpersonal nature, yet we deal with it on a daily basis. From smaller issues like reminding a roommate to take out the garbage yet again, to telling a friend that he has hurt you, conflict is a part of our daily lives.

Different ways of dealing with conflict

I often fear conflict because it is messy. There is the unknown of the other person and how he is going to respond. It can be scary to express contrary opinions. Like most, I generally want to be liked and do not want to be seen as demanding. Sometimes I am afraid that my thoughts and feelings could be hurtful to the other person. Since I am pretty direct person, I am even apprehensive of what will actually come out of my mouth when the time comes.

Many of us deal with conflict by the tried and true method of … not dealing with it. We hope that the person and/or issue will somehow disappear, or we even decide that our hurt was never really that important. To get to that point is a great deal of work that can take up hours of my friends’ and family’s time as I rehash the situation with them yet again. Lately, God has been teaching me that instead of expending significant time and emotional effort worrying over conflict, simple healthy confrontation could have saved me from this stress. Dealing with conflict head on can even help me deepen my relationships and learn more about myself. And I could sure use less stress.

Tips for handling conflict more effectively

Here are several tools that have helped me lessen my conflict anxiety and engage in more effective conflict:

1. Prayer. Instead of harboring everything and keeping it to myself, spending time with God heals my soul. He gives me the space to forgive others and myself. He gives me new insights into the situation and what to say, and even helps calm my anxious feelings.
2. Knowing why I am actually upset. Many times anxiety can hamper my ability to see where my true feelings lie. Anger can cover many different emotions, such as embarrassment or disappointment. In order to let someone else know that I am angry I have to be able to articulate exactly what is upsetting to me.
3. Being specific. It is best to approach the other person with a precise instance when I felt offended or hurt by him or her. When I go to her using phrases like “you always” or “every time” this is a recipe for an immediately defensive conversation. Using a specific example of what happened and explaining my feelings helps the situation feel less overwhelming both for her and myself.
4. Remember why I like him. As I prepare for the interaction, I try to remember all of the reasons why I appreciate that particular individual, like the ways he makes me laugh, is loyal and has helped me in the past. If I do not get to choose whether I am in relationship with him, then I remember why I need that relationship and why it is important.
5. Expect that the interaction will go well. Why should I think this? If I can spend so much time believing that it will go poorly, I can walk into the interaction already feeling defensive and like I have already lost. Thinking positively about the interaction can play a small role in helping me have confidence.
6. Telling the other person I appreciate her. This is key as I go into the interaction. If she is reassured that I appreciate being in relationship with her, defenses are less likely to be up, and she will be more willing to work through the issue with me.
7. Listening to her perspective. I need to give my friend the space to share her side of the story. What if I have misinterpreted her actions? Then I need to give her the chance to tell me. Perhaps I am also culpable in the situation. It is then necessary for me to listen and see how I need to change in the situation. How is she feeling? Maybe she is hurt too, and if so, I need to take care of my own feelings, yet see how I can change for her.

These are some simple tips that I have used to help change my own attitudes towards conflict. It is a relief to not waste so much time worrying about confrontation. I have also found that almost all of my conflict interactions turn out much better than I had expected, so what is the use in worrying? Breathe a sigh of relief and try a few of the steps above and begin your journey of engaging in healthy conflict.