The Chimes presents this piece with the understanding that these issues are deeply serious and with the goal to further the conversation surrounding them. We invite you to read this column thoughtfully and intentionally.

I thoroughly enjoy every student in my two Literature of Los Angeles classes. That said, I occasionally wonder what it would be like if the vast majority didn’t have forebears who hailed from either Northern Europe or Southern Korea. My collection of Wilsons and Kims is fine but a bit more variety would certainly spice up the entire campus.

As a contrast, consider Los Angeles City College, where I also teach. When I take roll, I feel like I’m polling the General Assembly of the United Nations. Names I butcher include the following. Bonus points will be given for pronouncing them without swallowing your tongue:

• Musheg Chtrkyan (Armenian)
• Inna Dadashova (Ukrainian)
• Jhapher Dajoy (Filipino)
• America Flores (NOT American)
• Anwar Jibawi (Palestinian)
• Cheok Lei (Chinese)
• Nyamgerel Munkhbaatar (Mongolian)
• Crystal Trueheart (Native American)
• Aristote Tumba (Congolese)
• Maxine Washington (South Angelino)
• Zejnep Ymeri (Albanian)

The discussions we have about world politics, culture and religion are beyond fascinating, especially when I can decipher the accents. One young Russian actually wrote, “Goder ye rozeboots” as her rendition of “Gather ye rosebuds.”

While I applaud Biola’s continuing efforts to recruit and maintain a more diverse student body and commend Doretha O’Quinn, Pete Menjares and Glen Kinoshita, they are faced with a variety of economic, political and historical obstacles. Not unlike historic black colleges like Grambling State University and Spelman College, Biola and the majority of Christian colleges are sort-of involuntary historic white colleges.

So, our options are to either accept the current ethnic balance or to more actively recruit students from traditionally disadvantaged subgroups, especially Hispanics and African-Americans — with a concentration on those from Los Angeles and Orange counties. I agree with experts from both sides of the spectrum who blanch at the thought of enforced racial quotas to balance the books. Such a system does penalize the majority group and portrays the minority as one which requires pity and patronization.

Since it’s healthy to think outside the box, I propose that Biola consider instituting a Reverse Quota System. Instead of reserving, for instance, a specified number of slots for Latinos, Filipinos and blacks (not good), the school could designate flexible percentages for various subgroups within the majority, thus freeing up a chunk for those who would bring needed color to the campus (good). Don’t think it’s fair? Go to Vanguard.

Check out these tentative samples; the percent represents the maximum the school would enroll in any given year:

• 5 percent: homeschoolers – Pensacola could take the overload and the rest could be instructed by their moms through college.
• 10 percent: attendees of Christian schools. These kids already know everything biblical so let’s free up some of their slots for the restless masses who attended gang-ridden, drug-infested public high schools.
• 10 percent: whites from Orange County. Don’t forget: Biola was built and has always remained in Los Angeles County!
• 5 percent: San Diego County. Admissions must certainly question the application of anyone supporting a baseball team named The Fathers.
• 25 percent: whites and Asians from Los Angeles County who dress cool.
• 20 percent: whites and Asians from Northern California and from out of state — no requirement for them to dress cool because they just don’t know how.

To tighten things up even more, the college could consider denying admission to various questionable subgroups. For example, they could choose to blackball those who ride Razor scooters; hold MySpace accounts — or update Facebook ones; listen to Justin Beiber or Ke$ha; study in libraries; watch “Twilight”; read Harry Potter novels; say “Talk to the hand,” “Your mom,” or “grody”; expose their midriffs; wear chokies or wallet chains; think Nationball is a sport; consider R-rated movies sinful unless they have the words “passion” or “preacher” in the title … well, you get the point. Final categories of admission denial would, or course, be determined by administrators less judgmental than I.

Full details need to be worked out but simple math shows that a solid 25 percent of openings could be allocated to students of color. As a bonus, we could be assured that U.S. News & World Report would not downgrade our collegiate rating from an “up and coming” university to a “down and going” one.

This is a win-win deal. If you have reservations about such a radical priority shift, “Talk to the hand.”