Apparently this is my last column ever for The Chimes, and I kind of have mixed emotions, mostly because I can’t tell if I’m retiring or getting fired. Sure, I’m reaching that age when it’s time to move on, but at the same time I realize that no one is going to allow me to keep writing here.

In order to clarify this issue (it determines how much I have to lie on my resume), I turned to the same place I always go to for life’s most difficult questions: Wikipedia. According to the “retirement” entry, a person retires when they stop employment completely. While this might play directly into my dad’s dire and frequent predictions, I still think that somewhere out there, a professional baseball team is willing to pay me millions of dollars to stand around and offer advice.

Clearly this must be a new type of unemployment, a combination of being terminated and retired, or “termi-tired” as I like to call it. And on the off chance that any men’s magazine’s human resources people are reading this article and are looking for someone who can write career advice as well as men’s style, I’m about to give counsel to all of those who, like myself, are newly termi-tired.

You might be asking, “What do I wear to find a new job?” Good question, and the answer is definitely a tie. (I mean the fashion accessory, not a race where two people finish at the same time.) However, ties bring up their own specific questions: What's the deal with ties? Why do we look good in them? It’s a strip of cloth tied around the neck and sold for $50 — how does that fit into a logical universe? You have to dry clean them, you have to iron them (although that part's pretty easy), and they are strategically positioned so that they catch food drippings.

The only use I can think for them is when you’re hanging out with some girl and she grabs you by the tie, says, "Come on over here, tiger," and then she kisses you. And since that's never happened to me, I'm clearly not getting my money's worth out of them. Maybe I should wear one somewhere other than church or funerals. Not only do they mysteriously manage to make any slob look more dapper, but when worn in a sassy-skirted kind of way they can make girls look cute. Although you never really see anybody grab a girl by the tie, and good luck getting a kiss after calling her "tiger." Trust me, that never works out. "Slinky," "pudding" and "ya’ old walrus" are other terms of endearment that usually don't work out.

But back to the ties, I like striped ones (pronounced "stripe-ed") the best. Whenever I'm wearing a good tie, I feel like somebody from “Ocean's 11.” I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "overdressed." It’s all about the attitude you have while wearing whatever it is you are wearing, although it is hard to play basketball in dress shoes. If I were in a band I'd probably go dressed up Beatles style most of the time. Who am I to argue with British pop culture pioneers?

While this may be the end of my time at The Chimes, it’s not the end of my writing career. In fact, I am planning on continuing in the form of a blog (http://thebrowningside.blogspot.com). I would like to welcome you all to check it out, and I’ll be trying to update it with the same style of writing and same frequency as my Chimes articles.

Plus, I will never have to worry about limited space again. If I get enough readers, maybe I’ll be able to come out of termi-tirement and start paying off my loans.

I have really appreciated all of the encouraging comments and e-mails from readers. So I can’t think of a better way to close out my column than with a closing credits song:

Time to turn off the lights Time to lock up the door The only way to end it right Is to leave ‘em wanting more …

The End.