It seems pointless to even bother writing a comprehensive review of a movie as one-dimensional as Scott Stewart’s “Priest.” It is like trying to write a thesis paper describing the color white –– what is there to say? The film stars Paul Bettany, whom you may remember from a career-destroying role in last year’s turkey, “Legion,” a pseudo-religious horror-action film also directed by Stewart. Some people clearly don’t learn their lesson the first time around.
Uncreative and shallow plot
“Priest” is set in an alternate world where vampires and humans are at war. In order to combat the vampire menace, the church has developed an elite group of warriors known as “priests.” When the vampires are finally herded and trapped in reservations, the priests are disbanded and removed from authority, forced to make their living in service-level jobs in the massive post-apocalyptic totalitarian cities they live in.
Bettany’s character is never given a name in the film and is only credited as “Priest,” which shows how much effort was put into individualizing the characters. Bettany is a priest whose niece is kidnapped by a gang of escaped vampires. When he makes it clear to the church that he intends to rescue her, he is strictly forbidden from doing so. Why? Because the church does not want people in their cities thinking they are unsafe. How a priest rescuing a single girl in the middle of nowhere will negatively affect the city’s morale is never really made clear, but these kind of logical lapses give the film its few memorable traits.
Characters lack depth and complexity
You know you are in trouble when a movie’s only noteworthy feature is how absurd its plot can get. Bettany is joined by a local sheriff named Hicks. Hicks is in love with Priest’s niece, carries a gun, and really, really likes pie. Okay, that last part is not actually in the movie, but it should be. It might just give him some semblance of personality.
The main villain is Black Hat, played by Karl Urban. It is a well-chosen name, considering his hat is brown. He is a former priest, turned into a vampire. He is also Bettany’s old partner and he really, really likes roast duck. That last part actually is in the movie.
The film’s environment has a frustrating amount of potential, with great contrast and detail found in the dark mega-cities and futuristic western shanty towns. Alas, the people who fill them are hollow and forgettable. Bettany does a decent “I’m an angsty, isolated hero” performance, but is never given anything interesting to do. It is well-known that one has to give up worldly possessions to enter the priesthood –– but in Bettany’s case, some of those possessions seem to have been his personality.
The vampires themselves are generic, computer-generated blobs whose only positive trait is that they do not glitter in sunlight. They jump around, shriek and that is pretty much it. Bizarrely, the film seems to want us to have some sympathy for them, featuring several speeches from Black Hat arguing the moral repugnance of the humans and moral supremacy of the vampires –– the same vampires who roam the earth and indiscriminately kill things. Black Hat may be an idiot, but he is hardly alone in this script.
”Mind-numbingly boring”
The film comes closest to being watchable during its frequent action scenes, which are decently shot and easy to follow. Unfortunately, Stewart thought that his vampires were scary enough to carry the film without any implementation of atmosphere. The result is a string of obnoxiously loud “jump scares,” which become monotonously predictable by the end of the film.
“Priest” is a mind-numbingly boring movie. It says nothing new, interesting or noteworthy. The characters are cardboard, and the plot is formulaic. Those interested should just save their money by staring at a blank wall for 80 minutes. That would be just as riveting and they would not have to pay an extra five dollars to see it in 3-D.
