As a collegiate journalist I am often forced to bury my emotions and feelings deep down inside in order to provide the necessary journalistic integrity and lack of bias that is characteristic of our prestigious school newspaper. Well, today’s article isn’t about the new bike racks that they added over the Christmas break. No, today’s article is different — it is about breakups, which means it’s finally time to let my heart write the story it has been holding back for years. In order to illustrate the dynamics of a breakup and the underlying intentions, I’m going to need to share a personal story. I’m talking about my fifth-grade romance.
It all started back in Mrs. Corn’s fifth-grade math class. Somehow, despite any and all counsel against the danger of cooties, I was “going with” Kari Summers. By all accounts, we were pretty much perfect for each other in the fact that neither one of us actually felt comfortable talking to each other. But all good things must come to an end, so I wrote a “Dear John” letter. I don’t really remember what I wrote, but I seriously think that I included something about how I wanted to focus on God or school or something like that.
I cleverly deposited it in her desk where she was sure to find it … or so I thought. As it turned out, little Kari didn’t clean her desk out for another two months. So in the intervening time, I had to act as though I hadn’t already dumped her. She was justifiably upset and threatened to beat me up. Remember that this is the fifth-grade — girls were three inches taller than boys. I conceded that it may have been a mistake and actually talked her into not breaking up! Well, things went on and eventually summer came and we didn’t see each other, and that was pretty much the end, except for the fact that we never actually broke up.
The reason I am sharing this story is because it eloquently illustrates the mechanics of a guy breakup. Guys have a couple typical tactics that they recycle and rehash their whole dating lives. These tactics are all motivated by guilt. Girls may not realize this, but their strongest weapon against us isn’t their looks or intelligence; it is guilt. That’s why many males choose to attempt to get the girl to break up with them.
Unfortunately, girls are usually more interested in fixing the relationship (or maybe just punishing us by miserably sticking it out). Another tactic is to just break up with the girl in his head and never actually tell her about it until he’s married to somebody else (the technique I’m currently using with Kari a decade later).
Then there is the very popular “I just want to focus on my career/deepen my relationship with God/take care of my ailing parents.” The problem with this technique is that the girl feels like the person and their ailing parents/God are dumping her. That’s kind of harsh. But the underlying reasons are even harsher . Usually it’s because he just doesn’t like her anymore. Sometimes it’s because he’s interested in somebody else. As reprehensible as this is in real life, it is ironically the right thing to do in a chick flick.
Helen: “John, I’m in love with somebody else. We met at my sister’s wedding and fell in love through a series of comical events all occurring in one day.”
John: “Go Helen — follow your heart.”
Next week is Valentine’s Day, and with that in mind, I would like to encourage you to email me your own personal breakup story to [email protected].
In honor of this holiday I will be sharing the best breakup stories from around campus. In addition to that I will be printing my patented technique for the perfect breakup. It would probably be a good idea if you changed the names of anyone in your breakup account that might be upset who might read it. Speaking of which, please don’t tell Kari Summers about any of my other girlfriends. Unless she’s already married, in which case I’m outraged and want to break up.
