Ah yes, its the most wonderful time of the year — finals week! Hooray! Hooray! Today, I drove around town just to watch the children dancing in the streets, mothers and fathers bustling along dressed up to catch the spirit, and birds that returned merely to bask in the warm glow of the festivities.

Just kidding. It’s actually more like war zone up in here. A smoky haze has dirtied the city, making it sooty and smelly. Those children I was talking about? They’re all crying. The mothers and fathers? They aren’t even speaking to each other. And the birds — dead.

Obviously these are dark days for us all. Fortunately for you, I am a man of action, a virtual one-man A-team, if you will (or at least I’m like Mr. T). I’ve seen worse and I’ll see worse yet again. So as a soldier of fortune, I have decided to take the cigar out of my mouth and help you survive this week.

Now, listen up maggot, we’ve got to get you into shape before you take another final exam. Yup, you know what that means — Finals Boot Camp!

You need to get ready physically as well as mentally before you can handle a tough week like finals week. So get up and run a lap around the room. Ready, set, GO!

Good good, that may have been your best lap around this particular room yet. Oh, wait — you didn’t even get up out of your chair. And its that kind of apathy that will get a you a C on your exam and then give you the emotional numbness to not care. Apathy is a lot like Novocain for your life. And Novocain is something that the dentist gives you when you have a cavity. Think about that for a while.

Preparing for Battle

Moving on, we come to preparation time. You can’t take a final without being fully prepared. The best way to prepare (other than studying, which we will cover in the next section) is to get plenty of rest. If you don’t, bad things will happen.

Take me, for example. Today I had to get up really early. Then I had to run like a maniac while trying to finish dressing myself just to get to my exam on time. Unfortunately I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep in the middle of taking the test. That’s bad news, I’m not gonna lie.

Then, due to my sleepiness, I couldn’t remember a thing. I seriously couldn’t even remember today’s date, let alone when the cotton gin was invented. Which might not be that bad, considering it was an astronomy exam. Good thing it was Scantron … at least I think it was.

Wait, was I in the right class? Shoot …

Studying

I really couldn’t tell you much about this one. I usually like to have my pretty little Dutch tutor read me the notes she took for me. I can’t understand a thing she says, but its so darn cute I can’t bring myself to let her go.

Taking the test

It’s time to get down to brass tacks. When someone is in the sorry shape that you appear to be in, I normally recommend trying to get hit in the parking lot by the professor or the dean or someone like that. But if that doesn’t work, we can always resort to a little magic.

It’s time to bust out the secret weapon — the finals fairy. To invoke her mysterious powers, all you need to do is recite this chant:

Finals fairy finals fairy / you’re no punk / fill up my brain / so I don’t flunk.

Then clap 3 times, spin around once in your office chair, and you’re done. Most people get a little nervous because the fairy doesn’t actually show up. No, she’s pretty busy this time of year so she sends you a little e-magic via the World Wide Web. To cash in all you need to do is take your mouse and vigorously shake the fairy dust on to your head. Trust me it’ll help. It works even better if you do it in a crowded room full of people you respect.

Well, you’re in good shape now, buddy. Seriously if that doesn’t put a bounce in your step I think your bouncer must be broke. So good luck, and don’t get stressed out.