Why I’m Thankful

It’s Thanksgiving break again. I think this year I should get an A for thankfulness. Let me tell you why, because I’m “A-wfully” thankful for so many things. Each year I make a list of the things that I am most thankful for as well as the things that I am definitely not thankful for. The reason that I have two lists is because I am naturally a pretty thankful guy. If I were to make a list of all the things that I am genuinely thankful for, it could number in the upper teens. In order to give you a rough idea, I have a list of the things that I am not thankful for so that you can figure it out by process of elimination.

The first thing that I am not thankful for is pretty much anything before 9 a.m. Why would I get up to see a sunrise at 6 in the morning when God gave us a perfectly good sunset at 6 p.m.? The way I see it, a sunrise is just the rerun of the sunset from the night before, except backwards. I am definitely not thankful for jobs, classes or anything else that starts early in the morning. I understand that some people are morning people. And I would actually like to include those people in this category of things I’m not thankful for. I think we should donate money so that our top scientists can work on a cure for morning people.

Speaking of cures, why haven’t they come up with a cure for body odor? B.O. is number two on this year’s list. I don’t like it on me, and I don’t like it on anyone around me. Sure we have soap and deodorant, but I’m looking for a vaccine to put an end to body odor once and for all. You would never have to worry about making people’s eyes water after you’ve been to the gym. If we gave all 12-year-olds the B.O. booster shot we could prevent a lot of social angst for those unaware 7th graders who have noticed they no longer have friends but have yet to pick up on the fact that all the cool kids have started wearing deodorant.

Last on this year’s blacklist is mechanical pencils. I know, I’m going to take a lot of heat for this one, but I don’t like them at all. The reason I don’t like them is because they never work right. Either the lead is too long, and it snaps off, or it’s too short and you’re scraping your nubbin on the paper. You get into class to take your final exam and all you brought is your mechanical pencil. You click out the lead and then start to write and all the lead gets pushed back in. After repeating this 30 or 40 times you have to go and ask the professor for one of those half pencils that don’t actually have any lead in them, just pointy wood.

But this is Thanksgiving, so I should have a list of things I am thankful for. I am very thankful for my family. Even though I can’t go home to see them for Thanksgiving this year, I will be going home for Christmas, and I can’t wait to see them all. I am also very thankful for my friends. You are the ones who read my articles and who make me laugh when everything is melting down. I am thankful to all of the readers of my column. You guys are all so supportive. I wouldn’t have anything funny to say if weren’t for all of the encouragement from friends and even from people who I’ve never met but who have still taken the time to stop me and say hi or send me a kind email. To those who are reading this right now, thanks.

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