Be it if you live in a dorm room, in an apartment, or in the library, everybody has to get to class somehow. If we didn’t, then we’d have far fewer good excuses for being late. This week lets celebrate our commute by taking it day by day.

Day One – Bike Day

Nothing says “I freakin’ love the environment – probably way more than you do!” like showing up to class covered in a shiny layer of sweat. On this day, save gas by blowing the dust off your bicycle. Although it may have been passed down by your great-grandparents, is made out of wood, and features one giant front wheel accompanied by a tiny wheel in the back, this beauty will get you anywhere, provided that the hills aren’t too steep. Additional respect points are rewarded in proportion to the amount of spandex worn in conjunction with the amount of stretching performed upon arrival at your destination. Declare to your coworkers “Welcome to my world – my world of exercise!” while propping your leg up against the computer and attempting to reach your toes.

Day Two – Bus Day

In many cities across these United States, the public transportation system is known as the best method to get from place to place. Here in Los Angeles it mostly serves as the best method to be confronted with scary people while trapped on a moving vehicle. On this day celebrate your commute by sincerely hoping that the woman with a shopping cart full of cats doesn’t decide to sit next to you and engage you in a conversation concerning the mind-controlling gasses emitted by airplane exhaust. On the other side of the spectrum, take this opportunity to explore your own “crazy side” by engaging another stranger on the bus by repeatedly referencing your extensive Pog collection and the numerous benefits of padded walls.

Day Three – Rollerblade Day

Although having the advantage of eight wheels (making them a faster alternative to four wheeled automobiles, mathematically speaking), rollerblades are mostly useful for reminding you of your dependence on sturdy objects to hold onto as you desperately pull your weight across the landscape. To avoid this, I suggest you follow in the footsteps of my greatest mentor, the Dog Whisperer, by attaching yourself to a pack of dogs and having them pull you wherever you need to go. “Hyah! Hyah!” you’ll scream, as you harness the power of the pack.

Day Four – Speedwalk Day

Running takes too much work, and walking at your own pace all too often results in being slowed down by infamous “slow walkers” who seem to always manage to squeeze their way directly in your path. Luckily, no one bothers a determined speed-walker, as these professionals tend to usually appear as though they’re constantly in urgent need of a bathroom. Get to class fast on your feet by donning an expression of constipation and rapidly moving your arms as your legs move at a slightly fast, but not too fast, pace.

Day Five – Labor Day Encore

It was a short week anyways. On this day celebrate your commute by not making one and kick back with a tall glass of Arizona sweet tea, the perfect companion drink to relaxation and unemployment. No one really knows where the original Labor Day came from, so I suggest you make another one. Declare this day as Labor Day Part II: The Return of Labor Day the Phantom Menace. Enjoy yourself. Days like these only come once or twice, or whenever you decide to have one, a year. It’s a beautiful thing.