I don’t know much about politics. As a matter of fact, the only thing I know about politics is the song “Politik” off of that Coldplay album, and considering that they misspelled it, my grasp of the concept is somewhat stinted. Nevertheless, when my editor told me I was a “loose cannon with nothing to lose” and that I had to write a politically themed article for this week, I threw my badge on her desk and told her this town was a ticking time bomb. Realizing what I said didn’t make any sense and that I don’t actually have a badge, I said “OK,” and took back my wallet.

We have an election coming up and we need to decide who the best candidate for the job is. Some might say it’s Barack Obama, some might say it’s John McCain, some might look at one of the vice president candidates and say, “Hey, that’s actually a woman.” I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. But to be brutally honest with you, I don’t really like any of them. In fact, if they were both in my apartment right now I’d be scared about how they got there and tell them both to wipe their feet because I don’t own a vacuum.

My point is that we, the American people, made a huge mistake. And that mistake was choosing politicians to become president. Have we not learned anything from the film “Gladiator?” Russell Crowe taught us that the best man suited to surpass Caesar was the man who did not want to become him in the first place. We need to take this to heart.

Ladies and gentlemen, we need to elect Russell Crowe as president. I know he may be a high school drop out from New Zealand and throws phones at hotel employees, but I watched “A Beautiful Mind” and I think that guy has a lot of really big ideas. If we don’t choose this particular celebrity, then perhaps another important public figure would suffice.

As a case in point, let’s look at Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Despite, at times, being a tad controversial, he has literally crushed the political opposition in favor of successful policy changes not unlike the way that skull was crushed at the beginning of “Terminator 2” by a mechanized robot foot in the midst of a laser battle. As a result, I believe the general public of California has seen an overall change for the better.

To further solidify his claim as a formidable leader Governor Schwarzenegger also defeated the predator beast in the jungles of Guatemala. Can a leader such as Barack Obama fulfill such a claim? No, my friends. He cannot. As a matter of fact, I highly doubt Barack Obama’s experience concerning America’s Predator Defense Department (APDD) and I will suggest that his methods of predator eradication will be about as effective as that of Carl Weathers’ failed attempt in 1987. In addition, even with his military background, I still doubt Sen. John McCain’s ability to duel with an invisibility-cloaked alien armed with a plasma cannon.

John F. Kennedy once said, “Mothers may still want their favorite sons to grow up to be President, but . . . they do not want them to become politicians in the process.” We need to look at what historically composed our most successful leaders and realize that it was their success in being honorable men which defined their success as politicians, not merely their skilled manipulations with words. In the same manner, the American public needs to redefine what they look for in the ideal political candidate.