Well it appears the dating world is about to become a whole lot safer. From all around America, letters are pouring in to my office at the Chimes, aka: the box I crouch behind concealed by the planter in the corner (they don’t know I work here… or that I write numerous articles under the name Janet), all thanking me for my decision to leave the dating world and enter into the world of holy matrimony. This very moment as well, from all around America, letters are being delivered to Beth giving their deepest sympathies as she too leaves the dating world to marry me. We can’t all be winners, but what can I say, soon I will permanently be hers.

This week I’m getting married, and after being engaged for seven long months I can say I have a new-found appreciation for those few who choose to elope. Why Beth and I haven’t gotten hitched already is as mysterious to me as proper grammar rules, but such is life. To those naysayers out there who say it all “goes by in a flash,” they simply don’t understand that with an attention span like mine everything goes by in a flash, and therefore each flash is potentially recognized by me to be the rest of my life. This means I thought I was going to be permanently engaged forever. Does anyone realize what torture that is?

Apart from the obvious, and the “obvious” in this case being sex, I can say there’s a lot I’m looking forward to in being able to share my life with someone. Things like long walks, going to church together, reading the morning paper and the obvious. Having that all postponed for so long may have initially built up anticipation for the big day, but then it began to subside into depression, which escalated to stress, which then plateaued with hunger, which was again subdued by lunch. It’s like a child eagerly waiting next Christmas on December 26th, which I have also experienced on a yearly basis.

It turns out that most places that are meant to host weddings usually seem pretty great until they require you to hire their country western band to play “Devil Went Down to Georgia” on repeat throughout the reception. Fortunately the time passes quickly. Unfortunately that’s because weddings involve lots of work, such as deciding on flowers and convincing my mother that even though the building we’re having the wedding in was originally built for a telephone company, it still doesn’t mean it can’t be considered to be a proper “church.” But I digress. Perhaps these are all just rights of passage for a bride and groom to be.

Before I lose your interest, and the Chimes realizes that Janet and I are never in the same room together and Janet looks suspiciously like Mrs. Doubtfire when she returns to the office after I go to the “bathroom,” I need to say that being engaged has been a great experience for me. Through these trials Beth and I have learned how to depend on each other and keep our chins up when rehearsal dinner plans keep knocking us down. After all, ideally, you only get engaged once in a lifetime, and despite the stress involved it is something to be cherished.